The Difference Between Responding and Reacting by Kristy Mast

When I was a teenager and I got mad at my parents, I had a habit. I would stomp to my room and—SLAM!—the door would shut behind me. Fast forward to marrying my high school sweetheart… and guess what habit followed me?

I’m not proud of this, but the door slamming continued. In fact, Wes could tell exactly how mad I was by the number of times I slammed the door. One slam? Mild frustration. Two slams? We’re in trouble. Three slams? He better pray!

I remember one argument in particular—of all things, we were fighting over a mission trip. The conversation got heated, so naturally, I left in a dramatic storm—triple slam included—and went to our room. We had just gotten a puppy, and his crate was in our room. So, in my moment of righteous anger, I grabbed my husband’s pillow, stuck it in the dog kennel, and put the dog in bed with me. Then I laid there… eyes slightly open… waiting. Oh, I showed him, I thought.

Before long, I heard his footsteps coming up the stairs. My heart started racing. Wait until he sees this! Through my squinted eyes, I watched as he looked at the bed, then at the pillow in the kennel…back to the bed…then, without saying a word—he walked over and crawled into the dog kennel. Now, don’t get this wrong—he wasn’t doing this to lighten the mood. He was doing it out of pure spite! But in that moment, we both just lost it. We couldn’t help but laugh.

The Difference

I learned through time and getting it wrong many times what my problem was. I was reacting instead of responding. When we react, we’re ruled by emotion, but when we respond, we take a moment to pause, to think, to choose our words and actions wisely. That’s a lot easier said than done, of course, so here are 3 tips to help you strengthen your skill of self-control. 

Practice Delayed Gratification

One of the most powerful ways to improve self-control is to practice delaying immediate rewards in favor of long-term benefits. This can be done through simple exercises, such as:

• Setting small, achievable goals and rewarding yourself only once they're completed.
• Practicing techniques like the "10-minute rule": When you're tempted to act (or speak) impulsively, tell yourself to wait for 10 minutes. Often, the urge to will pass.
• Start with small, low-stakes scenarios (like resisting a snack) and gradually work your way to more challenging situations.

Practice Gratitude

The more time you spend remembering your blessings (like your spouse), the easier it is to thoughtfully respond in the heat of the moment. If you focus on things that are bothering you, or go over the times in your head that your spouse was rude to you, you’re primed to be rude back. Try this exercise for a week:

• Think about someone you’re currently tempted to react to (as opposed to responding thoughtfully)
• Each day write down something you’re thankful for about that person, something nice they’ve done for you, or a prayer for them.
• Put it on your calendar to do this for a week, and after that time take stock of any differences you’re noticing in your attitude or your interactions with that person. 

Practice Empathy

This might sound weird, but practice empathy. I promise it gets easier the more you do it. Try to stop yourself right when you’re tempted to react out of anger to someone and take a deep breath. Look into their eyes and remind yourself that they’re just human. They might be having a hard and stressful day, or might feel insecure about something. Ask them if there’s something you could do to help them. The first few times might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but it’s a habit worth working on.

As a final thought, the difference between reacting and responding is a critical one when it comes to managing emotions and cultivating healthier relationships. Reacting is driven by impulse and often leads to regret, like the door slamming or the petty retaliation I once resorted to. Responding, on the other hand, involves pausing, reflecting, and choosing a course of action that aligns with our values and long-term well-being. It takes practice, patience, and self-control to move from reaction to response, but with intentional strategies like delayed gratification and thoughtful self-reflection, we can train ourselves to act with wisdom and kindness rather than out of raw emotion. This shift can make all the difference in how we navigate conflicts and build stronger, more resilient connections with those we care about.